For me, watching The Real Housewives of New York is akin to Charles Darwin studying biology on the Galapagos Islands. The show is a bottomless well of psychological disorders and neuroses. I’m used to seeing psychological issues playing out on reality television. Some shows, like True Tori and VH1’s Couples Therapy, even feature “real” therapy sessions as part of the premise. But RHONY offers such a wide range of mental health issues that it’s almost overwhelming. On the most recent episode of RHONY, the ladies continued their vacation in the Berkshires. Following the infamous “Canoe-gate” incident in which Ramona threw her wine glass at Kristen because she was reacting to the trauma of having her blowout ruined, the ladies continued to hash out their issues. And I couldn’t help but notice a whole host of brand new, not yet recognized mental health disorders on display.
There are a lot of known sexual disorders listed in the DSM (which is essentially the bible of psychological diagnoses), such as exhibitionism (in which sexual gratification is achieved through public sexual activity and/or bodily exposure) and frotteurism (in which sexual gratification results from rubbing against an unsuspecting person). But Kristen displays symptoms of a sexual disorder so disturbing that it warrants its own diagnosis. I’m talking, of course, about Elvisophilia. This disease is characterized by an irrational obsession with all things that even remotely pertain to The King. In a previous episode of the show, Kristen talked about how while she was in Vegas, she had a brief but very memorable kiss with an Elvis impersonator. In the most recent episode, Heather surprised Kristen with a visit from an Elvis impersonator, and Kristen was in awe. She and “Elvis” skipped off into the sunset to do God knows what. I can totally understand being star-struck by an actual star, even a D-lister. I once saw Holly Madison in the airport and I was practically speechless. But getting ready to drop your panties every time you see a fat guy with sideburns in a jumpsuit?!?! That’s just crazy. I’m hoping that the ladies will take their next (Bravo-sponsored) trip to Graceland so we can really see the full effects of this disorder.
Then we have Ramona and her own special brand of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which I will call Convenient Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or CPTSD. The actual disorder can be debilitating and is characterized by intense anxiety following a traumatic event. But Ramona’s brand is different in that it comes and goes as needed to help her avoid situations that she doesn’t want to be in. When she decided that she’d had enough of the Berkshires and was ready for the more glamorous lifestyle of the Hamptons, Ramona suddenly had a flare-up of her CPTSD. Seemingly out of nowhere, her painful childhood memories of making mud pies in the woods were triggered by a “hike” with Carole. (I use quotations marks because Carole was wearing a nightgown and boots so it didn’t seem quite like a real hike.) When Ramona didn’t want to take responsibility for being immature enough to throw a wine glass at Kristen’s face, she blamed her CPTSD. She was simply reacting to the trauma of being splashed by water while she was in a canoe in the middle of a lake! Luckily, Ramona has already found the cure for CPTSD: a friend with a private plan and a surprisingly flexible schedule who is willing to help her escape from whatever terrifyingly traumatic situation she may face at a moment’s notice.
Finally, we have Sonja’s diagnosis of Carole as a “bullshit bisexual.” According to Sonja, a bullshit bisexual is a woman who is not actually bisexual only because they are not interested in her. How convenient. Rather than feel rejected, Sonja can now assume that any woman who may not be turned on by her Caburlesque moves is actually just a bullshit bisexual. And Ben, the 20-something boy-toy who had the audacity to stand Sonja up a couple of episodes ago… it turns out he was actually a bullshit heterosexual.
The preview for next week’s episode shows what looks to be another flare up of Ramona’s CPTSD, which gets triggered by being the center of an “intervention” staged by the other ladies. And I’m hoping that Aviva will make her return. That woman has so many phobias and neuroses I could write a book about them… or hire a ghostwriter to do it for me.
Doctor Hollywood 